Good evening Lovelies,
I am spending my weekend at home, in my family town, laying all day long in my bed, cover with my quilt, drinking hot tea. Have to say, it is been a long time since I spend two days at home doing.. nothing. When I am in my appartment, with my brother, I go to the University, do fitness, work and after a long day I am so exhausted that I do not have time to think about something else than maths, microekonomy or my soreness. While I am here.. the situation is more than different.
I have always had troubles with my feelings. I am a peron, who is running out of all unpleasent, compliquated moments in my life. Running out= avoiding. IF there is something in my life that I wish never happened.. I just pretend that it never happened. I do not deal with my feeling, because I pretend they are not here. I put everything into a separate boxes, lock them and never EVER open them again. And if you think it is ok, that it is working- you could not be more wrong. It works for me while we are talking about those special situations, I do not want to face them, because I know it will destroy me and I will never get up by myself. I will never be the same person. I will never be.. me. But what is worst, it menaged to came into my life and it destroys my relationships and me. Something what has been saving me for all those years has become my worst weapon. Even know when I am sitting alone it is hard for me to write this, because my brain constantly shuts down every thought. This is why I created this website. I have learn how to open my mind, I have to be able to say what I want to say. I have to take over control, because right know, my brain is taking control for me.
Always Yours, H.
sobota, 2 listopada 2013
Release.
Good morning Lovelies,
"Four years of my life. They say, that there is no time as hightschool. I remember my first day at school, I felt like a prom queen, like a top model, rock star, governor of USA and pape in one peron. I knew that I am going to run this school. And then I met him. I remember first time when I saw him. He was walking with his friend, talking, laughting, looking completely chilled out, like he would not care about a thing. He looked at me, smiled and that how it started. Sounds cliche? Oh it really is. Easy story, they fall in love, but never admit it. She gets drunk, send a message to wrong person (yes, to him. Nicely guessed) and since that eveyrything change. Four years of my life. Those days were the most energy and time-consuming process I have ever had to deal with. I loved him to death. I would give him my heart, my home, my last bite of sandwitch If I had to. He destroyed me and saved me milions of times. But what is most important, he made me this person which I am today and that is something I will always be gratefull for. Over last few months I have done things that I am proud for. I did not go to Africa to help other people and I did not co-found charity, but I faced my fears and kicked their ass. You might be wondering how eveything ended. Well we do not speak that is for sure. Last time I saw him first time since graduation, which was nearly two years ago. I do not know what I felt but I know what I did not feel- love. And that was the most releasing feeling in my life.
Always Yours, H.
"Four years of my life. They say, that there is no time as hightschool. I remember my first day at school, I felt like a prom queen, like a top model, rock star, governor of USA and pape in one peron. I knew that I am going to run this school. And then I met him. I remember first time when I saw him. He was walking with his friend, talking, laughting, looking completely chilled out, like he would not care about a thing. He looked at me, smiled and that how it started. Sounds cliche? Oh it really is. Easy story, they fall in love, but never admit it. She gets drunk, send a message to wrong person (yes, to him. Nicely guessed) and since that eveyrything change. Four years of my life. Those days were the most energy and time-consuming process I have ever had to deal with. I loved him to death. I would give him my heart, my home, my last bite of sandwitch If I had to. He destroyed me and saved me milions of times. But what is most important, he made me this person which I am today and that is something I will always be gratefull for. Over last few months I have done things that I am proud for. I did not go to Africa to help other people and I did not co-found charity, but I faced my fears and kicked their ass. You might be wondering how eveything ended. Well we do not speak that is for sure. Last time I saw him first time since graduation, which was nearly two years ago. I do not know what I felt but I know what I did not feel- love. And that was the most releasing feeling in my life.
Always Yours, H.
czwartek, 31 października 2013
Paranoia
Good evening Lovelies
"Do you know what is the most important? Do not panic." I said to myself while I was reaching for a glass filled with my favorite juice. The evening was really fostering. Sun was slowly going down and it let the huge wave of suppressing thoughts came through my head with the strength of a typhoon, shake the skull and fall to the bottom, leaving on the surface one, and only one thought slowly drifting and who wouldn’t let me forget about themselves. 6:00 pm. Hornet with a size of my thumb sat down on the chair in the front of my and, I swear, he was steering at me. He was doing this for so long, that finally in my floating brain an information came out, that this deadly creature is right next to me. That was the moment, when was a circuit in my hand, and my body started moving in every direction, just to safe myself from it. The beast is gone. Survivor. 6:45 pm. Eating a salt chips with one, and crackers with the other hand I was started thinking, how many times in my life I was paranoid. How many times I was washing my hands, even though the only thing I was doing for all day, is switching rooms with a floating t-shirt on me. How many times I was checking mirrors in my car, even though I am the only person, who is driving. And, finally, how many times I was finding myself in those kind of situation, that you can’t get out with no help. Paranoia. Last sunshine of the June sun fell into my eyes. 10:23 pm. I spent four hours on this plastic chair with, now empty, glass wondering about paranoia. I became paranoid thinking about paranoia. Wave gathered and with the same strength he went back where he came from, leaving behind nothing, but a havoc. I slipped out of the chair. Shiver came through my body recalling about a passing day. I grabbed my glass, left behind a hornet and closed the door with a sound of an unfinished reflections smashed all over the jamb, desperatly tring to recall.
Always Yours, H.
"Do you know what is the most important? Do not panic." I said to myself while I was reaching for a glass filled with my favorite juice. The evening was really fostering. Sun was slowly going down and it let the huge wave of suppressing thoughts came through my head with the strength of a typhoon, shake the skull and fall to the bottom, leaving on the surface one, and only one thought slowly drifting and who wouldn’t let me forget about themselves. 6:00 pm. Hornet with a size of my thumb sat down on the chair in the front of my and, I swear, he was steering at me. He was doing this for so long, that finally in my floating brain an information came out, that this deadly creature is right next to me. That was the moment, when was a circuit in my hand, and my body started moving in every direction, just to safe myself from it. The beast is gone. Survivor. 6:45 pm. Eating a salt chips with one, and crackers with the other hand I was started thinking, how many times in my life I was paranoid. How many times I was washing my hands, even though the only thing I was doing for all day, is switching rooms with a floating t-shirt on me. How many times I was checking mirrors in my car, even though I am the only person, who is driving. And, finally, how many times I was finding myself in those kind of situation, that you can’t get out with no help. Paranoia. Last sunshine of the June sun fell into my eyes. 10:23 pm. I spent four hours on this plastic chair with, now empty, glass wondering about paranoia. I became paranoid thinking about paranoia. Wave gathered and with the same strength he went back where he came from, leaving behind nothing, but a havoc. I slipped out of the chair. Shiver came through my body recalling about a passing day. I grabbed my glass, left behind a hornet and closed the door with a sound of an unfinished reflections smashed all over the jamb, desperatly tring to recall.
Always Yours, H.
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